A Woman's Laugh

Poetry by ​​Lindsay Phillips

A coworker tells me that the jeans I’m wearing will make me good tips tonight
I tell him
            Nothing
And the silence of my non-response reverberates through my head for months
Long after I’ve stopped working there due to a pandemic less insidious
 
The echo of my forced laugh rings in my ears
And I think of the poems I read in school that compared a woman’s laugh to the ringing of bells
Maybe if those men listened closer, they’d realize the sound is not a chime but a knell
Because every time I’m forced to create that vacant noise, I think a little bit of me dies
 
And I grieve for the women who perfected their fake laugh when they were still girls
I grieve for the bodies forced to bend under the weight of their armor
I grieve for my younger self who was loud and light and unafraid
 
All that glitters is not gold, and my laugh may sparkle but it’s far from genuine
I’ve shined that laugh for years
That laugh that says, I’m uncomfortable with what you just
            Said
            Did
            Touched
But I’m more uncomfortable with the possibility of what you might do if I push back
 
Possibilities so far from funny that for some of us, they’re fatal
Possibilities played out on the stage of our bodies in shades of black and blue, deep enough to
            drown in
We see those possibilities on our sisters’ faces, their stories always whispered
So I laugh until the muscles in my faces ache
Because protection comes at a cost, right?
 
I think one day I’d like to be a mother
But how can I bring my maybe daughter into a world I have not worked hard enough to change
A world that too often demands silence in return for safety
I will not look at her bright eyes and tell her that my wrinkles were etched by men telling me to
            smile
I will tell her, You don’t have to laugh if it’s not funny
I will tell her, Even small mouths can sing

Lindsay Phillips​​

Lindsay Phillips is a Chicago-based writer and editor with degrees in English and Theatre. She is still discovering her storytelling style, but her writing often explores the contradictory emotions that arise when reflecting on the past. This is her first published poem.