SPRING POETRY CONTEST RUNNER-UP

NORTHEAST OHIO SPOTLIGHT

Mental Coordinates

Poetry by ​​Emily Troia

Thoughts flow
differently now.
Memories turn

rumor. I know this,
do not know how
I know this. Intercepted

transmissions. Interrupted
flow. Coordinates rearranged.
I do not realize memories

are missing until I fall
into empty space.
How can you remember

what you’ve forgotten
except by accident?
Each fall, each empty

space deepens
my understanding
of how deep empty is.

My parents
went to Dallas.
When did they get back?

Before, I drank lattes.
Now, they taste dull,
or is it me that’s flat?

My parents visited
every day, watched
each day my mind

readjusted.
I woke up
not knowing

where I was,
could not remember
the nurses’ names.

I spent three weeks drinking
coffee in the unit.
I can remember that.

I do not mention
shock therapy
much.

Shock belongs
to the past,
the nurses stressed,

is not used
anymore. Doctors stressed
the word shock

is now used
only in Hollywood
horror, in movies

that aim
to misshape
reality.

The ten-minute
promo video makes
the rebranding clear:

now it is ECT—​ 
a dance with my brain’s
chemistry. ECT—musical

acronym designed
to muffle the act,
the violence.

The experts wore suits,
carried clipboards.
I remember my knees

bare, peeking out
from a hospital gown
with strings cut short for safety.

The doctors stressed
(the suggestion of)
85% success,

stressed 85% success
when I wavered.
I was seduced

by a number,
by fully clothed men
carrying clipboards.

Five times I gave
in, tried not to
give up.

When did I know
I belonged
to the 15%?

My memories
were removed
in a closet.

I remember a rainbow
sock monkey
on the hand sanitizer—​
​
at least one hovering face
had emotion behind
its sea-foam mask.

With each waking in dim light,
feeling the IV needle
filling my vein,

I knew more had been erased,
knew the hollow had bloomed,
knew I would never again

know the missing
parts, who I had been,
who I was to mourn.

Emily Troia
​
Emily Troia studied Physics and Philosophy at Wesleyan University, received her BA in Studio Art from Ursuline College, and holds an MFA in Poetry from the Northeast Ohio Master of Fine Arts. She is the Communications Specialist for the nonprofit Social Venture Partners Cleveland and happily calls Cleveland her lifelong home.